In the Force
by TheGreenScholar
Summary: After the events of 'Jedi Night' and his heroic sacrifice, Kanan awakens in a strange, beautiful place. There he is met by someone from another life...his old master, Depa Billaba. Together, he and Depa muse on loss, letting go, and finally get to say the things they never did.


**This story is essentially a mourning present to everyone out there still trying to cope with the loss of our beloved spacedad. Two weeks out and I'm still a mess... XD**

 ***Insert Darth Maul scream here* FILLLOOONNNIIIIEEGGHGHHH!**

* * *

 _There is no death, there is the Force_

 _Go! I'll be right behind you...Run!_

 _I know what to say now... I love you!_

 _Yes...Master_

 _I lost my way for a long time, but now...I have a chance to change things_

 _KANAN!_

* * *

All was light. To Kanan, it felt like the universe had turned itself inside-out, leaving him adrift in...everything.

It hadn't really been in Kanan's nature to think too much about death. Especially with life in the Rebellion being what it was, you really couldn't spend precious moments worrying about something like that. Now that he was here though...Kanan found himself surprised, in a detached kind of way. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, really.

He couldn't feel his body, if there was anything left to feel. Kanan doubted it. The heat, the sheer mind-crushing _force_ of the fuel pod explosion had only registered for a moment, but that had been enough to reduce Kanan's consciousness to atoms, nevermind flesh and bone. With nothing around him now to see, hear or feel, Kanan let his restored thoughts wander back to the last sight he'd ever had in life...

 _Hera._

Oh Force, maybe he wasn't really dead after all. Just the thought of her name was enough to remind Kanan what heartache felt like. He swore he could almost feel his vaporized chest clench in a love and grief so complete, it could paint a galaxy brighter than Sabine's imagination. And after all that they'd been through together, for it to all come to this...Kanan had no idea where or even what he was anymore, but if he knew anything, it was that he already missed Hera.

She had been so beautiful, even trussed up in an orange prison jumpsuit and stricken with helpless terror. Kanan briefly wished he could have seen her smile instead, or heard her spell-binding voice say 'I love you' again, instead of screaming in fear. He had gotten to see her though, one last time, and Kanan contented himself with that. It occurred to him then that he actually _had_ kept the promise he had made to her on Atollon, so many long months ago. If the Force had a sense of humor, it certainly was a dry, ironic one. Not unlike his own, actually, Kanan mused.

As much as being parted from Hera hurt, Kanan had one comfort; she wasn't alone. Words couldn't begin to describe how much pride Kanan had felt when he caught his last glimpse of Ezra. The scrawny loth-rat the Spectres had taken in four years ago had grown up. Kanan knew his padawan was ready, even if Ezra didn't feel he was. Self-doubt was an old habit which Ezra had taken a long time to grow out of. Kanan couldn't be more at peace with the young man he left behind at Hera's side though. He just hoped Ezra could forgive him...

It was the curse of the master-padawan bond; only by letting go of their master could a padawan ever become a Jedi, and the true calling of a master was to give all for the sake of others. Kanan hadn't understood that on Kaller, when Depa Billaba had given her life for his. It was only now that he himself had done the same for his padawan and family that Kanan truly _got it_.

Something brushed past Kanan's mind, and he realized with a start that he could _see_. Not only that, but there was actually something to be seen, wherever he was.

Slowly the light all around began to resolve itself into tighter, brighter points. Little by little, a vista of pure starlight came into focus, dazzling Kanan with its sheer beauty. He knew that Hera was by far the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen, but darned if this didn't come close.

It seemed to Kanan that he was lying in a flat, motionless ocean of calm, black water. It swirled cool and yet warm around him, weaving between his fingertips and teasing at his ears. The stars above reflected back in the water's surface, and _O Force_ , what stars! Never in all his life before being blinded had Kanan ever seen anything like it! There were more stars than a million galaxies could have held, and each one seemed to dance with a color all its own. Sabine would have gone absolutely wild to see this place, Kanan thought. It was even more spectacular than when they had found Zeb's home world of Lira San, hidden behind an imploded star cluster.

For a time, Kanan was content to just lie there and watch, at peace with himself and the Force. He could feel its power thrumming everywhere; around the stars, within the water, and through him as well. It was the most calm and comfortable Kanan had felt in a long, long time. For once, he didn't need to worry about the next mission, the next debrief, the next moment... Here, in the space between spaces, Kanan could just _be_.

A sound pricked Kanan's attention, or perhaps it was a ripple in the Force. Whatever it was, he opened eyes he didn't even realize he had closed. Something was passing in front of the stars, softly muting their brilliance. Confused, Kanan blinked up at the figure overhead. Dark, coiled braids shining in the starlight and dark eyes that shone even brighter came into focus. Kanan felt his soul lift and fill with something he had almost managed to forget he was missing.

"Hello Caleb...my young strategist."

"...Master?"

Depa Billaba knelt down next to him, passing out of Kanan's line of sight. Even though he couldn't see her, he felt her presence, so close and so real, in the Force. His master laid herself down in the mirror-like ocean next to him, and together they watched the stars like they used to in another life. Kanan didn't know if he could have reached out and touched Depa, if they even had corporeal forms with which to touch. That didn't matter; she was here, and she was with him.

"Master?"

"Yes Caleb?"

"I understand now. For the longest time I didn't...I couldn't. I'm so-"

Depa hushed him with a chuckle, soft and throaty as she used to do when they sat by the fireside with Grey and Styles. Her voice echoed all around them, and Kanan swore he could see the stars sparkle too.

"Don't be sorry, dear one. Never regret caring about others. It is I who am sorry, if only for the time you had to feel lost and alone in the world. I did a poorer job of preparing you to let go than you did with your padawan." When Kanan tried to protest, she laughed softly again. "You should be very proud, both of Ezra and of yourself. I know I am."

"Will he be alright?" Kanan asked, hearing his voice pass through lips which did not truly exist but as pure energy. "Ezra, Hera, Sabine, Zeb, and even Chopper...will they be okay?"

"All is as the Force wills it," said Depa. "They will mourn you, and they will struggle. They have a future to strive for though. You gave them that, Caleb, as well as your love."

Kanan's heart ached for the grief of his found-family. He wished there were some way he could reach out to them, to tell them that they were all gonna be okay in the end. That was beyond him in this moment though, and he allowed himself to settle back into the peace of the Force and his master's presence.

"Master?"

"Yes?"

"Depa...I love you."

"I love you too, Caleb Dume, Jedi Knight."

Complete and at peace, Kanan rested in the arms of the Force. The love he had felt in life for his master, for Hera, for Ezra, for all of the Ghost crew certainly had not died with him on Lothal. If anything, they were stronger and freer now than they had ever been. Full of starlight and quiet darkness, Kanan became one with the Force.


End file.
